A Strange Calm

I feel strange. I had expected to fall into a deep blue after things ended between us, but I can’t seem to find the appropriate emotions. I wanted to wallow in the memory of us (whatever little there was), and cry in regret for what could have been. Yet, I feel light. Maybe I did make the right decision, and peace is finally washing over me.

I admit I have the tendency to be a drama queen (my friends will disagree that it is more than just a tendency), but at least I am conscious of the fact that I do love the drama, and maybe a bit too much. In the words of D, an architect friend, “You are needlessly complicated.” He doesn’t mince words, does he? Bastard, but god bless him for his honesty.

Well, anyway, what I’m driving at is this: I think I’m missing out on the drama by not even feeling sad that it’s over. Yes, I did cry for two days, and yes, I did go back and forth every small detail—what you said, what you did, and even the very first time we met—in an attempt to understand what and where it went wrong, or if it even meant anything to you. A part of me didn’t want the drama and the hurt to end too soon. But in the end, I found that I didn’t care anymore. In the end, I realized, it was about me. It will always be about me and what will really make me happy. You won’t.

I’m not even sour graping. I know that for months on end, I have written how you affected me, how you moved me, and whatever I felt at that time couldn’t be more real. If I ached for you, it wasn’t just in my head. It was almost physical. So maybe this is what makes me feel strange, the fact I was able to let go of you just like that. I am learning. I am finally learning. Isn’t that wonderful?

You may have your reasons and motivations. And for all your declarations that you are happy where you are, I somehow sensed that you were trying to convince yourself more than you were convincing me. I knew your game and I was on to everything. I had been a willing accomplice more than you think I did, and I went into this whole thing with my eyes wide open. You, my dear, were just being a coward.

I do hope you find what it is that will make you truly happy. I earnestly wish you that. Don’t get me wrong. I do have regrets being with you. I knew that even before we started. But it would have been a bigger regret not being with you, even if it were only a really short while, I knew that too.

I could not say with finality that I will never want to be with you again. If one day, fate intervenes and finds us together again, I hope you’re ready by then. And I just hope I’m still there.