Finding Peace

“I always have a recurring dream of you where you’re always fighting. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose,” he said. I made a joke out of his dream. Then, I told him about mine, “we were playing tennis, and neither one was winning.” But it wasn’t the dream I wanted to tell him, I wanted to tell him about my recurring dream too, where he always seemed torn, but it was always me he chose. He chose me.

But I know that it’s really just a dream and I should have known better than to put stock in it. He said he’s happy where he is at his life now, but could not understand why he seems to do all of these things with me, yet he does them still. It’s not love, I know. Although sometimes I wish it were. Despite that knowledge, whenever he does what he does, I couldn’t help but fall for him, couldn’t help myself from falling apart.

We saw each other briefly, and not in the way I would have preferred. He seemed distant, dismissive. Maybe he, too, knew that we were reaching the end of the road, and couldn’t bring himself to face it. Even until the end, he couldn’t be man enough to own up to his part in this game we played.

“Can we be friends?” I asked. “Yes,” he chuckled. Did I sense bitterness? Maybe it’s just my imagination. It’s quite hard to tell when you’re ending things over the phone. And though I’m not sure if things will ever be entirely over between us, let me settle with the fact that for now it is. And just like I thought, it went down quietly, there were no hysterics, no crying, nothing of that sort. It was even…friendly.

He once said we had chemistry, and I believed him. It felt real, after all. It even convinced me he was the one. But chemistry can only take me so far with him, and it’s time to loosen my grip and begin to let go.

“Are you okay?” he asked. Yes, I will be, I thought.

I imagine sometimes that he reads this blog, and who knows, maybe he actually does. So let me imagine I am talking to him right now, as if he were here:

You asked me one time, if I would be willing to fight. I told you, “if he was worth it,” and last night as we talked, I wanted to tell you what I have always wanted to tell you since that conversation we had, I did fight. And I thought you were worth it.