A Strange Calm

I feel strange. I had expected to fall into a deep blue after things ended between us, but I can’t seem to find the appropriate emotions. I wanted to wallow in the memory of us (whatever little there was), and cry in regret for what could have been. Yet, I feel light. Maybe I did make the right decision, and peace is finally washing over me.

I admit I have the tendency to be a drama queen (my friends will disagree that it is more than just a tendency), but at least I am conscious of the fact that I do love the drama, and maybe a bit too much. In the words of D, an architect friend, “You are needlessly complicated.” He doesn’t mince words, does he? Bastard, but god bless him for his honesty.

Well, anyway, what I’m driving at is this: I think I’m missing out on the drama by not even feeling sad that it’s over. Yes, I did cry for two days, and yes, I did go back and forth every small detail—what you said, what you did, and even the very first time we met—in an attempt to understand what and where it went wrong, or if it even meant anything to you. A part of me didn’t want the drama and the hurt to end too soon. But in the end, I found that I didn’t care anymore. In the end, I realized, it was about me. It will always be about me and what will really make me happy. You won’t.

I’m not even sour graping. I know that for months on end, I have written how you affected me, how you moved me, and whatever I felt at that time couldn’t be more real. If I ached for you, it wasn’t just in my head. It was almost physical. So maybe this is what makes me feel strange, the fact I was able to let go of you just like that. I am learning. I am finally learning. Isn’t that wonderful?

You may have your reasons and motivations. And for all your declarations that you are happy where you are, I somehow sensed that you were trying to convince yourself more than you were convincing me. I knew your game and I was on to everything. I had been a willing accomplice more than you think I did, and I went into this whole thing with my eyes wide open. You, my dear, were just being a coward.

I do hope you find what it is that will make you truly happy. I earnestly wish you that. Don’t get me wrong. I do have regrets being with you. I knew that even before we started. But it would have been a bigger regret not being with you, even if it were only a really short while, I knew that too.

I could not say with finality that I will never want to be with you again. If one day, fate intervenes and finds us together again, I hope you’re ready by then. And I just hope I’m still there.

Finding Peace

“I always have a recurring dream of you where you’re always fighting. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose,” he said. I made a joke out of his dream. Then, I told him about mine, “we were playing tennis, and neither one was winning.” But it wasn’t the dream I wanted to tell him, I wanted to tell him about my recurring dream too, where he always seemed torn, but it was always me he chose. He chose me.

But I know that it’s really just a dream and I should have known better than to put stock in it. He said he’s happy where he is at his life now, but could not understand why he seems to do all of these things with me, yet he does them still. It’s not love, I know. Although sometimes I wish it were. Despite that knowledge, whenever he does what he does, I couldn’t help but fall for him, couldn’t help myself from falling apart.

We saw each other briefly, and not in the way I would have preferred. He seemed distant, dismissive. Maybe he, too, knew that we were reaching the end of the road, and couldn’t bring himself to face it. Even until the end, he couldn’t be man enough to own up to his part in this game we played.

“Can we be friends?” I asked. “Yes,” he chuckled. Did I sense bitterness? Maybe it’s just my imagination. It’s quite hard to tell when you’re ending things over the phone. And though I’m not sure if things will ever be entirely over between us, let me settle with the fact that for now it is. And just like I thought, it went down quietly, there were no hysterics, no crying, nothing of that sort. It was even…friendly.

He once said we had chemistry, and I believed him. It felt real, after all. It even convinced me he was the one. But chemistry can only take me so far with him, and it’s time to loosen my grip and begin to let go.

“Are you okay?” he asked. Yes, I will be, I thought.

I imagine sometimes that he reads this blog, and who knows, maybe he actually does. So let me imagine I am talking to him right now, as if he were here:

You asked me one time, if I would be willing to fight. I told you, “if he was worth it,” and last night as we talked, I wanted to tell you what I have always wanted to tell you since that conversation we had, I did fight. And I thought you were worth it.

In a Parallel Wonderland

“Why are you always too small, or too tall?” asked the Madhatter. Alice thought intently and replied, “I guess, everything is timing. Maybe for you, we just seem to catch each other in a bad time. But we are always where we are supposed to be at any given time.”

“Maybe we were meant to meet each other—a perfect meeting in an imperfect time, because we needed to learn something,” Alice added, “the fates may have even wanted for both of us to change our courses, to jar us out of our complacency, to find union and acceptance in each other even if everyone tells us that we don’t deserve it.”

The Madhatter was silent. “You ask me why I’m too small or too tall, too little or too much of anything,” Alice said, now angry. “I ask you, why can’t I be enough? And why is it always about me? What about you, you’re half-mad all the time, but you don’t hear me complaining, do you?”

“I only ask because you have a mission, to fight the Jabawockee,” said the Madhatter, “would you be willing to fight even if all the odds are against you?” he further asked.

“Me?” asked Alice, “why me? I’m no champion. I could die trying, you know.”

“But the compendium,” the Madhatter explained, “shows you slaying the Jabawockee. You won over it. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

“It’s just a book,” Alice said, “it could mean anything, it could mean nothing.” Alice paused a moment, paced back and forth, thoughtful. Then she spoke: “I have risked so much to be here,” Alice said. “I’ve run through the wilderness, slept under the shadow of your hat, uncertain of what’s outside it, jumped over heads and god knows what else. If that’s not fighting, I don’t what is.”

“But if I do fight the Jabawockee, and I could, what would you do? Would you be willing to fight the Red Queen? Would you be willing to fight at all? Because I can’t be the only one fighting.”

“If you fight the Jabawockee,” the Madhatter said, smiling, “you get to stay with me.”

“But this is all a dream,” Alice replied, “I would be mad to think that this could be real.”

“If this is just your dream, then it means I’m not real,” the Madhatter said, half-asking. “Sorry,” said Alice, “you’re just a figment of my imagination.”
“But that means you also have to be half-mad to have even dreamed about me,” the Madhatter said, triumphantly.

“You’re right,” Alice conceded, “I must be mad. I must be very mad.”

A Song in My Head

I could totally relate to this song by Fiona Apple, almost literally. And i have been listening to this over and over again, for the obvious reason...

Parting Gift

I opened my eyes
While you were kissing me once more than once
And you looked as sincere as a dog
Just as sincere as a dog does,
When it's the food on your lips with which it's in love

I bet you could never tell
That I knew you didn't know me that well
It is my fault you see
You never learned that much from me

Oh you silly stupid pastime of mine
You were always good for a rhyme
And from the first, to the last time, the signs
Said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started
It said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started

I took off my glasses
While you were yelling at me once more than once
So as not to see you see me react
Should've put 'em, should've put 'em on again
So I could see you see me sincerely yelling back

I bet your fortressed face
Belied your fort of lace
It is by the grace of me
You never learned what I could see

Oh you silly stupid pastime of mine
You were always good for a rhyme
And from the first to all the last times, all the signs
Said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started
It said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started

Being Brave

I have decided. In a few weeks, things will go back the way they’re supposed to be. And my world will never be the same again. I would have lost him, and I would have gained my sense of self again. Something lost, something gained. But I feel like I’m losing more than I think I’m getting back.

I pray almost constantly now, “Send me a sign,” I plead, “If I should give this all up, if I should give him up.” A little guidance never hurt anyone, and I desperately need one right now. There is a voice in my head that tells me, “But you already know what to do.” And I do. Let him go.

After what seems to be an eternity battling him and myself, I received the final straw, and I have finally every reason to end it, and I’m pretty sure he will agree. Reason and logic has won, and I should be rejoicing, after all, it’s what is right. But it feels like I just died.

I can’t wait for the day to come, but I also want it to take forever to come. I imagine how it will all go down—he will calmly take my decision, tell me he understands it. He will be silent for a moment, his face grave. But he will never let me know what he feels, not for a moment will he risk putting his heart on his sleeve. And I will be firm in my decision, I will be strong, but the whole time, I will be wishing that he fight me, that he fight for me. But I know he won’t.

Doing the right thing is not always easy, and sometimes it can bring you pain. But I know, that despite that, it should bring you a sense of calm, like a heavy load has been lifted. C told me, being the good and faithful person she is, “Being at peace with yourself is a direct result of finding peace with God.”

I am not in peace. I am not in peace.