You are a believer of possibilities:
Of the either-or and the in-betweens.
Carefully calculating where you and I shall land,
But no visible target in sight.
While I, a believer of certainties and
Predetermined realities constantly
Challenge your philosophies and logic.
We are believers
And nonbelievers at the same time.
But neither willing to take a leap of faith
On each other and on us.
I am an Einstein.
And you are a Bohr.
And you make our love like a quantum theory.
Despite distance we are inextricably linked,
Spinning in our own orbits,
Yet entangled by the spooky action of an unseen universe.
Randomly romantic.
Ridiculously uncertain.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Playing Parsifal
Catharsis came quite unexpectedly. An innocent dinner conversation led to the breaking of a dam of feelings that I have long repressed and kept hidden from him. I am pretty sure he didn’t see it coming either. After all we were meeting for dinner as a way to wind down a busy and stressful day.
We had resumed the friendship that he and I had abandoned a while back. We had agreed to stop seeing each other until all the feelings had all but disappeared. It was safer that way—we needed to purge ourselves of a crazy attraction that had initially brought us together but has also become our undoing.
It tore me apart, being with him and being apart from him. It was a classic case of “can’t live with, can’t live without.” Though mutually agreed upon, there were a lot of things that had been left unsaid, and at the time, I didn’t know if I would even have the chance to do so.
Until last week, when over a dinner of grilled meats and hummus and baba ganoush, and a cheery banter I was suddenly struck with audacity to finally ask him, why he did what he did. To my defense, it wasn’t something I had sprung on him from out of the blue, our conversation topic were sort of touching on a delicate and touchy part of what had been our relationship.
“Where is this leading to?” he asked as I pried him. “I just want to understand,” I replied. But of course, he was already on the defensive. But I will not let it go. It was now or never.
Squirming in his seat, he tried to offer his side of things, though missing the point entirely. He was evasive, and then he turned the tables on me. It was my chance for closure, and I took it.
The words came out slow at first, painful, an ominous trickle of what would come out next. Then it came in torrents, and I had said almost everything that I had wanted to tell him all these years. My words silenced him, and I myself fell silent. It was all I could do to keep myself from crying. I never cried in front of him the whole time we were together, I wasn’t about to start now. Besides, the place was too public, and I wasn’t one to create a scene.
I opened a can of worms, that’s for sure. “Can we talk about something lighter?” he asked after a period of awkward quiet. “Sure,” I said. Try we did, but we couldn’t go back to that safe place again.
In the car, he asked if I was okay. I said yes. I asked him back. He said yes.
I highly doubt that we were.
As I pulled into the driveway of his hotel, the doorman came quickly to his side to open the door. He motioned to him to give him a few moments. We just sat there, not knowing what to say to the other. Finally he said, “I’ll be back in a few weeks.” I nodded. Then he said it again, “I’ll be back in a few weeks.”
“Yeah, you just said that,” I said.
“Yeah,” he said, “because I will be back in a few weeks.”
“I’ll see you,” I finally had to say.
Then he drew close to kiss me, one on every cheek. I hugged him tight as he did so, and he held me. For a moment, nothing existed outside of that embrace, at least for me.
Funny is, he never offered any kind of explanation nor apologies for what happened to us. His face was contrite, as were his kisses. Still, I don’t know if I got through him, or whether his actions were a way to console me, or if his silence said everything he could not admit to me.
I don’t know how this will ultimately affect us, whether for good or bad. I don’t know if this will bring us closer, or break the tenuous ties of our friendship. I don’t know if it was right for me to resurrect what has already been laid to (un)rest, and if forgiveness will finally come for both of us.
But I did feel a sense of freedom. And that’s enough, at least for now.
We had resumed the friendship that he and I had abandoned a while back. We had agreed to stop seeing each other until all the feelings had all but disappeared. It was safer that way—we needed to purge ourselves of a crazy attraction that had initially brought us together but has also become our undoing.
It tore me apart, being with him and being apart from him. It was a classic case of “can’t live with, can’t live without.” Though mutually agreed upon, there were a lot of things that had been left unsaid, and at the time, I didn’t know if I would even have the chance to do so.
Until last week, when over a dinner of grilled meats and hummus and baba ganoush, and a cheery banter I was suddenly struck with audacity to finally ask him, why he did what he did. To my defense, it wasn’t something I had sprung on him from out of the blue, our conversation topic were sort of touching on a delicate and touchy part of what had been our relationship.
“Where is this leading to?” he asked as I pried him. “I just want to understand,” I replied. But of course, he was already on the defensive. But I will not let it go. It was now or never.
Squirming in his seat, he tried to offer his side of things, though missing the point entirely. He was evasive, and then he turned the tables on me. It was my chance for closure, and I took it.
The words came out slow at first, painful, an ominous trickle of what would come out next. Then it came in torrents, and I had said almost everything that I had wanted to tell him all these years. My words silenced him, and I myself fell silent. It was all I could do to keep myself from crying. I never cried in front of him the whole time we were together, I wasn’t about to start now. Besides, the place was too public, and I wasn’t one to create a scene.
I opened a can of worms, that’s for sure. “Can we talk about something lighter?” he asked after a period of awkward quiet. “Sure,” I said. Try we did, but we couldn’t go back to that safe place again.
In the car, he asked if I was okay. I said yes. I asked him back. He said yes.
I highly doubt that we were.
As I pulled into the driveway of his hotel, the doorman came quickly to his side to open the door. He motioned to him to give him a few moments. We just sat there, not knowing what to say to the other. Finally he said, “I’ll be back in a few weeks.” I nodded. Then he said it again, “I’ll be back in a few weeks.”
“Yeah, you just said that,” I said.
“Yeah,” he said, “because I will be back in a few weeks.”
“I’ll see you,” I finally had to say.
Then he drew close to kiss me, one on every cheek. I hugged him tight as he did so, and he held me. For a moment, nothing existed outside of that embrace, at least for me.
Funny is, he never offered any kind of explanation nor apologies for what happened to us. His face was contrite, as were his kisses. Still, I don’t know if I got through him, or whether his actions were a way to console me, or if his silence said everything he could not admit to me.
I don’t know how this will ultimately affect us, whether for good or bad. I don’t know if this will bring us closer, or break the tenuous ties of our friendship. I don’t know if it was right for me to resurrect what has already been laid to (un)rest, and if forgiveness will finally come for both of us.
But I did feel a sense of freedom. And that’s enough, at least for now.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Die Laughing
I caught a rerun of SNL with the hilarious Tina Fey guesting on that episode. What can I say? Tina Fey rocks!
A final clip of the show was the perfect ending in more ways than one. On a more personal note, this brownie husband is really becoming quite an attractive option. It beats the hell out of other real men!
A final clip of the show was the perfect ending in more ways than one. On a more personal note, this brownie husband is really becoming quite an attractive option. It beats the hell out of other real men!
Friday, November 18, 2011
Song of the Moment II
In light of recent events, I bring you Crystal Castles and their cover of Not In Love, featuring the inimitable Robert Smith.
'Nuff said...
Not In Love
i saw your picture hangin' on the back of my door
won't give you my heart
no one lives there anymore
and we were lovers
now we can't be friends
fascination ends
here we go again
cause it's cold outside, when you coming home
cause it's hot inside, isn't that enough
i'm not in love
could it be that time has taken it's toll
won't take you so far, i am in control
and we were lovers
now we can't be friends
fascination ends
here we go again
cause it's cold outside, when you coming home
cause it's hot inside, isn't that enough
i'm not in love
i'm not in love
i'm not in love
we are not in love
we are not in love
we are not in love
we are not in love
'Nuff said...
Not In Love
i saw your picture hangin' on the back of my door
won't give you my heart
no one lives there anymore
and we were lovers
now we can't be friends
fascination ends
here we go again
cause it's cold outside, when you coming home
cause it's hot inside, isn't that enough
i'm not in love
could it be that time has taken it's toll
won't take you so far, i am in control
and we were lovers
now we can't be friends
fascination ends
here we go again
cause it's cold outside, when you coming home
cause it's hot inside, isn't that enough
i'm not in love
i'm not in love
i'm not in love
we are not in love
we are not in love
we are not in love
we are not in love
Friday, October 7, 2011
Coolness...!!
As i was replying to an email, one of the Google ads placed on the page caught my attention—free Mayan astrology. I thought for a second or two whether I should click on it, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to resist it. And if don’t click on it, it will nag on me for a long time. So, I thought, “Why the hell not?”
This is what they had to say about me:
"Female authority is the keyword that best describes this day number of Mayan astrology. Basically the natives of this number are sensitive, emotional and artistic. This number is looked upon for its patience. The energy of this number can help you gain better opportunities at work and thus prove your talents and skills. Nine persons are masters in completing all kinds of incomplete tasks.
Seed is the fourth sign of Mayan astrology and signifies the South. Seed people are known as the performers. Fulfilling your sexual desires and being independent are the two things you crave for throughout your life. You set high standard goals for yourself and always make it a point to achieve it at any cost. Self-esteem is something which the Seed folks are very much concerned about. You are very much attached to your family and can go to any extreme in order to bring peace and happiness to your family. As individuals the Seed people are always successful in starting off new ventures, signing new contracts or entering into any new business deals. You love to work as social workers and public defenders and try to unite the whole community either through your hard work or by using the secret influences of somebody else. Courage and gratefulness are their characteristic traits which make these people simply outstanding.
Regarding a nurturing attitude, these people are similar to Red Dragon people to some extent. You always want to sow the seeds of enlightenment, humanitarian ideas and benevolence so that everyone can reap a reach harvest eventually. From the projects you undertake, others would derive sustenance and nourishment. You are endowed with great teaching abilities and you may even be a pioneer in this field by incorporating new and useful concepts. Coming in touch with you can be a spiritually enriching experience for your disciples. Yellow Seeds are teachers and nurturers. Tend your seeds well today and pay proper attention so that you can enjoy beautiful blooms tomorrow. You may find problem dealing with White Wizard. You are most compatible with Blue Eagle persons."
Were they right? I guess what makes this thing fun is that they always contain a kernel of truth. Haha
Now, I just have to find myself a Blue Eagle person...does that mean, I'm good with people from Ateneo? Hmmm...
This is what they had to say about me:
"Female authority is the keyword that best describes this day number of Mayan astrology. Basically the natives of this number are sensitive, emotional and artistic. This number is looked upon for its patience. The energy of this number can help you gain better opportunities at work and thus prove your talents and skills. Nine persons are masters in completing all kinds of incomplete tasks.
Seed is the fourth sign of Mayan astrology and signifies the South. Seed people are known as the performers. Fulfilling your sexual desires and being independent are the two things you crave for throughout your life. You set high standard goals for yourself and always make it a point to achieve it at any cost. Self-esteem is something which the Seed folks are very much concerned about. You are very much attached to your family and can go to any extreme in order to bring peace and happiness to your family. As individuals the Seed people are always successful in starting off new ventures, signing new contracts or entering into any new business deals. You love to work as social workers and public defenders and try to unite the whole community either through your hard work or by using the secret influences of somebody else. Courage and gratefulness are their characteristic traits which make these people simply outstanding.
Regarding a nurturing attitude, these people are similar to Red Dragon people to some extent. You always want to sow the seeds of enlightenment, humanitarian ideas and benevolence so that everyone can reap a reach harvest eventually. From the projects you undertake, others would derive sustenance and nourishment. You are endowed with great teaching abilities and you may even be a pioneer in this field by incorporating new and useful concepts. Coming in touch with you can be a spiritually enriching experience for your disciples. Yellow Seeds are teachers and nurturers. Tend your seeds well today and pay proper attention so that you can enjoy beautiful blooms tomorrow. You may find problem dealing with White Wizard. You are most compatible with Blue Eagle persons."
Were they right? I guess what makes this thing fun is that they always contain a kernel of truth. Haha
Now, I just have to find myself a Blue Eagle person...does that mean, I'm good with people from Ateneo? Hmmm...
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
An Education
“Paano ba maging teacher?” (How do you become a teacher?) Karla asked through a text message. Through my sleepy haze, I began to type in my reply. Midway through it, I stopped, as I tried to figure exactly what she asking me. I replied back: “Is this a practical, or a philosophical, or perhaps a metaphysical question?”
It was a simple how-to question, she says. But the question stuck, and it did make me think, how do you really become a teacher? Is it a simple matter of being hired as a teacher, and getting teaching load assignments; or getting in front of a class, and giving them their lesson for the day? Is there more to being a teacher?
How do you even begin to want to become one? Does anyone really consciously choose to be a teacher? Or is it one of those professions that you fall into?
In my case (yes, I am a teacher), I knew I wanted to teach early on. Both my parents were educators and though they gave us the freedom to choose whatever it is we wanted, perhaps without even realizing it, they had influenced all of their children to get into teaching. I took interior design as my degree but I also knew that I wanted to teach college. It took me quite a long time to get to it, but for the last three years, I have been teaching interior design at the Mapua Institute of Technology.
The first time I taught, I felt that I had been a disaster. I felt as if I just wasn’t getting through to anyone. I used to joke that my students were like Teflon—nothing sticks, but inside, I felt so inadequate.
Even as I was already considering throwing in the towel, I took it as a challenge. And though I still find teaching to be generally difficult, I find that there are these moments of light, when it seems that everything that you go through with these kids are just worth it.
More than a week ago, the first batch of interior design students that I handled held their graduating exhibit. As their class adviser, it was one of my proudest moments as a teacher, and though I may not be the only one who exerted sole influence on them, somehow I felt that maybe I had something to do with it.
Maybe this is how it feels to be a parent.
It made me feel my age. But somehow, I didn’t mind it one bit.
Being a teacher is not an easy thing, there’s just so much responsibility that comes with it. I’m recalling this ad campaign by Nat Geo with Gang Badoy (another teacher), and she raises the question, “who dreams about being a teacher?” I did. Maybe, this was what I was meant to do, or at least one of the things I was meant to do. As I ponder on this, I’m simply thankful for the chance given me.
Click on this link to see pictures of the MIT Interior Design Exhibit 2011.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Song of the Moment
In the light of what I had previously written and my confusion as to whether I should greet him or not, this song by Don Henley (and later on covered by India Arie) has been a staple with my cosmic dj. It just keeps popping up. And I'm thinking, is this a sign or just another random song?
I still haven't decided.
Heart of the Matter
I got the call today that I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you'd found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down
To the heart of the matter but my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
Ah, these times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
Ah, the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill I guess
Ohh, pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesn't keep me warm
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out, I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But everything changes and my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby, 'cause' life goes on
If you keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak and the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
I still haven't decided.
Heart of the Matter
I got the call today that I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you'd found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down
To the heart of the matter but my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
Ah, these times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
Ah, the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill I guess
Ohh, pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesn't keep me warm
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out, I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But everything changes and my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby, 'cause' life goes on
If you keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak and the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)