After months of frustration, I’ve finally done it!!! I have successfully added an mp3 player to this blog! To some, this may be not much of an achievement, but for a technologically challenged person as I am, it is a feat, by no means small.
This current playlist, by the way, is as you’ve guessed the soundtrack of my life right now. But more than that, it is also one that I’ve promised to make for Karla. Hope she likes it, and so do the rest of you.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Need to get to the Last Stage
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost. I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find my way out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in…it’s a habit.
My eyes are open. I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street.
- Taken from the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost. I am hopeless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find my way out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in…it’s a habit.
My eyes are open. I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street.
- Taken from the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Philosophizing over TV
“In places parallel, I know it’s you. Feel the little pieces bleeding through…”
- Nine Inch Nails, Beside You in Time
I’ve been following Flashforward quite religiously. For those who have been living under a rock, the show started with everyone blacking out for exactly 2.17 minutes. In that brief period, everyone in the world who blacked out saw a glimpse of his or her future, six months to the date.
Sonya Walger is Olivia Benford, the wife of Special Agent Mark Benford. Her flashforward saw the dissolution of her marriage and that she was having an affair with another man, Lloyd Simcoe, played by the wonderful Jack Davenport. In the episodes that follow, it shows her trying to fight that future to save her marriage from ruin.
In this week’s episode, Sonya arranges for the transfer of Lloyd’s son to a private and secure facility following Lloyd’s public admission that the blackout had been caused by his group’s scientific experiment gone awry. They talk briefly, and find out that they had almost gone to the same university, and that Olivia had almost lived in the same apartment building where Lloyd had met his wife.
“Are you aware of the many worlds theory?” Lloyd asks Olivia. She says she is not, and Lloyd explains the concept of parallel worlds. He explains that all the choices and decisions that we could have made are being played out in these parallel worlds as if we have made them at all, and it will be forever played out simultaneously with this reality that we know and live in.
Lloyd pointed out, if only Olivia had gone to Harvard instead of marrying Mark, she would have probably lived in that apartment building, they would have met and chances are, would have actually lived their happy ever after together. But seeing that they haven’t done all that, they both have to live with the consequences of their decisions.
It amuses me a great deal to watch the scene unfold, to hear a character talk about it and seemingly echo my thoughts. Of course, my thoughts were in no way connected to what Olivia and Lloyd were going through with their lives, but more with what was going on in mine.
I had often wondered if he and I met another place, another time, would things be different. I remember us talking once and I had in passing mentioned vacationing in the city where he used to live and work. Maybe he was thinking of the same thing, what if we had bumped into each other, me as a tourist, he as, well, him.
The places I’ve gone were the places he had lived in at one point. But our paths never seemed to cross until it was time for us to do so, only fate chose for us to meet a little too late when everything was different and almost impossible.
I always wanted to ask him, had we not met the way we have, and he had just seen me walking down the street in the city where he is now, would he even try to approach me, and win me?
But sometimes I get to thinking, does it really matter that we didn’t meet during those times? Because we did meet, and isn’t that the point? It seems that we can change the details, the steps that lead to the end as much as we want, but the outcome remains the same.
How much of our lives then is shaped by our choices and decisions? How much of it is shaped by fate?
But if he and I were bound to meet, the only question that remains to be answered is, to what end? To what purpose?
- Nine Inch Nails, Beside You in Time
I’ve been following Flashforward quite religiously. For those who have been living under a rock, the show started with everyone blacking out for exactly 2.17 minutes. In that brief period, everyone in the world who blacked out saw a glimpse of his or her future, six months to the date.
Sonya Walger is Olivia Benford, the wife of Special Agent Mark Benford. Her flashforward saw the dissolution of her marriage and that she was having an affair with another man, Lloyd Simcoe, played by the wonderful Jack Davenport. In the episodes that follow, it shows her trying to fight that future to save her marriage from ruin.
In this week’s episode, Sonya arranges for the transfer of Lloyd’s son to a private and secure facility following Lloyd’s public admission that the blackout had been caused by his group’s scientific experiment gone awry. They talk briefly, and find out that they had almost gone to the same university, and that Olivia had almost lived in the same apartment building where Lloyd had met his wife.
“Are you aware of the many worlds theory?” Lloyd asks Olivia. She says she is not, and Lloyd explains the concept of parallel worlds. He explains that all the choices and decisions that we could have made are being played out in these parallel worlds as if we have made them at all, and it will be forever played out simultaneously with this reality that we know and live in.
Lloyd pointed out, if only Olivia had gone to Harvard instead of marrying Mark, she would have probably lived in that apartment building, they would have met and chances are, would have actually lived their happy ever after together. But seeing that they haven’t done all that, they both have to live with the consequences of their decisions.
It amuses me a great deal to watch the scene unfold, to hear a character talk about it and seemingly echo my thoughts. Of course, my thoughts were in no way connected to what Olivia and Lloyd were going through with their lives, but more with what was going on in mine.
I had often wondered if he and I met another place, another time, would things be different. I remember us talking once and I had in passing mentioned vacationing in the city where he used to live and work. Maybe he was thinking of the same thing, what if we had bumped into each other, me as a tourist, he as, well, him.
The places I’ve gone were the places he had lived in at one point. But our paths never seemed to cross until it was time for us to do so, only fate chose for us to meet a little too late when everything was different and almost impossible.
I always wanted to ask him, had we not met the way we have, and he had just seen me walking down the street in the city where he is now, would he even try to approach me, and win me?
But sometimes I get to thinking, does it really matter that we didn’t meet during those times? Because we did meet, and isn’t that the point? It seems that we can change the details, the steps that lead to the end as much as we want, but the outcome remains the same.
How much of our lives then is shaped by our choices and decisions? How much of it is shaped by fate?
But if he and I were bound to meet, the only question that remains to be answered is, to what end? To what purpose?
Saturday, June 5, 2010
It's A Matter of Choice...
I never quite understood how people can choose to be in a) a gray area and b) a miserable relationship, until it happened to me. Then the universe, as if to rub it in my face gave me this really beautiful song by Florence and the Machine.
I'm posting it here for Karla and all my other friends who share the same sentiments..dammit, can i actually get more cheesy than this?!
Cosmic Love
A fallen star,
Fell from your heart,
And landed in my eyes,
I screamed aloud,
As it tore through them,
And now it's left me blind,
The stars, the moon,
They have all been blown out,
You left me in the dark,
No dawn, no day,
I'm always in this twilight,
In the shadow of your heart,
And in the dark,
I can hear your heartbeat, I try to find the sound,
But then it stopped,
And I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became,
The stars, the moon,
They have all been blown out,
You left me in the dark,
No dawn, No day,
I'm always in this twlight,
In the shadow of your heart,
I took the stars from my eyes,
And then I made a map,
I knew that some how,
I could find my way back,
Then I heard your heart beating, you were darkness too,
So I stayed in the darkness with you,
The stars, the moon,
They have all been blown out,
You left me in the dark,
No dawn, no day,
I'm always in the twilight,
In the shadow of your heart,
The stars, the moon,
They have all been blown out,
You left me in the dark, (you left me in the dark)
No dawn, no day,
I'm always in this twilight,
In the shadow of your heart.
I'm posting it here for Karla and all my other friends who share the same sentiments..dammit, can i actually get more cheesy than this?!
Cosmic Love
A fallen star,
Fell from your heart,
And landed in my eyes,
I screamed aloud,
As it tore through them,
And now it's left me blind,
The stars, the moon,
They have all been blown out,
You left me in the dark,
No dawn, no day,
I'm always in this twilight,
In the shadow of your heart,
And in the dark,
I can hear your heartbeat, I try to find the sound,
But then it stopped,
And I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became,
The stars, the moon,
They have all been blown out,
You left me in the dark,
No dawn, No day,
I'm always in this twlight,
In the shadow of your heart,
I took the stars from my eyes,
And then I made a map,
I knew that some how,
I could find my way back,
Then I heard your heart beating, you were darkness too,
So I stayed in the darkness with you,
The stars, the moon,
They have all been blown out,
You left me in the dark,
No dawn, no day,
I'm always in the twilight,
In the shadow of your heart,
The stars, the moon,
They have all been blown out,
You left me in the dark, (you left me in the dark)
No dawn, no day,
I'm always in this twilight,
In the shadow of your heart.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Questions and Quandaries
It seems that being in a gray area is a place that people at one point or another would find themselves in, whether they like it or not. And just as it is so easy to fall into that hole, getting out of it could be just as hard. If you’re lucky, you can pull yourself out in no time, but others can stay an eternity there without even knowing what they were in to begin with.
Relationships, particularly quasi-romances, are the most common of the gray areas that you can get yourself into. In my circle alone, at least three of my friends are in that place of knowing and not quite knowing the status of their relationships. And who knows, maybe there are more who just haven’t the courage to admit they’re clueless as well.
My good friend, Karla, (probably the only person in this blog who will ever be named) has even written quite a number of posts on her blog labeled appropriately as gray area. O., another friend who lives about a thousand miles from me, sends me text messages of her frustration over a current quasi-romance. S, on the other hand, has got herself a number of relationships of that nature. It’s a wonder how she can actually keep up with them and with herself. And then there’s me…well, we all know how my little romantic adventure (or mishap) ended. On second thought, things are not exactly, um, through between me and Hugh (not his real name).
The situation that my friends, and often what I also find myself in begs me to ask: Can dysfunction in relationships prove to be so attractive that we are almost compelled to prostrate ourselves to it despite the obvious pain it will cause? And why is it that despite that recognition, we accept it as a matter of fact rather than a matter we have control over, and therefore can actually change? Are we that desperate for love that we completely forget the harm we’re doing to ourselves?
Another point that I also wanted to make here is the apparent curse or gift that has befallen my friends. They share parallel lives with me. I know, I know that not everything is about me, and that it is completely narcissistic of me to think that. But hey, even my friends acknowledge the fact. O. and C. has actually told me flat out that they don’t want to be friends with me anymore for exactly this reason. Of course, they were joking. Or were they?
Maybe my friends and I are that bonded together that we’ve begun to actually share the same fate, which when you think about it makes it really romantic in a sense. But then again, it also makes for a really sad thing.
Whatever the case may be, whether it’s coincidence or providence that makes us lead parallel lives, the bottom line is we need to get out of the gray and start finding the light. I think we mighty deserve it.
Relationships, particularly quasi-romances, are the most common of the gray areas that you can get yourself into. In my circle alone, at least three of my friends are in that place of knowing and not quite knowing the status of their relationships. And who knows, maybe there are more who just haven’t the courage to admit they’re clueless as well.
My good friend, Karla, (probably the only person in this blog who will ever be named) has even written quite a number of posts on her blog labeled appropriately as gray area. O., another friend who lives about a thousand miles from me, sends me text messages of her frustration over a current quasi-romance. S, on the other hand, has got herself a number of relationships of that nature. It’s a wonder how she can actually keep up with them and with herself. And then there’s me…well, we all know how my little romantic adventure (or mishap) ended. On second thought, things are not exactly, um, through between me and Hugh (not his real name).
The situation that my friends, and often what I also find myself in begs me to ask: Can dysfunction in relationships prove to be so attractive that we are almost compelled to prostrate ourselves to it despite the obvious pain it will cause? And why is it that despite that recognition, we accept it as a matter of fact rather than a matter we have control over, and therefore can actually change? Are we that desperate for love that we completely forget the harm we’re doing to ourselves?
Another point that I also wanted to make here is the apparent curse or gift that has befallen my friends. They share parallel lives with me. I know, I know that not everything is about me, and that it is completely narcissistic of me to think that. But hey, even my friends acknowledge the fact. O. and C. has actually told me flat out that they don’t want to be friends with me anymore for exactly this reason. Of course, they were joking. Or were they?
Maybe my friends and I are that bonded together that we’ve begun to actually share the same fate, which when you think about it makes it really romantic in a sense. But then again, it also makes for a really sad thing.
Whatever the case may be, whether it’s coincidence or providence that makes us lead parallel lives, the bottom line is we need to get out of the gray and start finding the light. I think we mighty deserve it.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
The Human Condition
It is a human condition: that love, especially if true, will always involve a letting go. – Secret History of the World by Jonathan Black
Isn’t it the greatest irony that we spend our days on a romantic quest, jump from one failed attempt on love to another in search of the elusive soulmate, and as soon as we find it, we realize it’s simply not working out and we have to let them go?
We tell ourselves that if we could just find The One, we would finally be happy and complete. But the happiness we find with them is fleeting, and we have not caused them happiness but misery, and the only recourse is to part from them so they may search what will make them truly happy. And the cycle never ends.
What is the point in all this searching? What is the point in feeling a sense of certainty that everything led you to this moment if the moment only ends too soon?
Why do you have to let go of the very thing that makes you happy? Why do we always have to choose?
But the point is, I did let go. And he came back.
Isn’t it the greatest irony that we spend our days on a romantic quest, jump from one failed attempt on love to another in search of the elusive soulmate, and as soon as we find it, we realize it’s simply not working out and we have to let them go?
We tell ourselves that if we could just find The One, we would finally be happy and complete. But the happiness we find with them is fleeting, and we have not caused them happiness but misery, and the only recourse is to part from them so they may search what will make them truly happy. And the cycle never ends.
What is the point in all this searching? What is the point in feeling a sense of certainty that everything led you to this moment if the moment only ends too soon?
Why do you have to let go of the very thing that makes you happy? Why do we always have to choose?
But the point is, I did let go. And he came back.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
In Remembrance and in regret
It is only human to have regrets, never trust anyone who tells you they don’t have a single one. It is a simple reality that everyone goes through. It tells you what you could have done better and teaches you to be conscientious the next time so you don’t repeat the same mistakes you made. It is a great teacher, sadly it teaches a lesson a little too late, when there is nothing more you can do about it.
I have my share of regrets and for the last two weeks, there is one that has stayed with me and I carry with me even until now.
My grandma passed away. She was 89, a few months shy of 90. She died peacefully, in the arms of one of her daughters. My aunt barely felt the life leaving her. Even though, they had expected her passing for while now, her death was a shock and left everyone trying to hold on to anything they can grab.
She had lived a full life, seen so much and had been loved. Her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren who lived alongside her could only try to make sense of the loss and the void she was leaving behind. As her wake went on for days, the grief only intensified, culminating on the day of her funeral—the final moment, the final goodbye.
As the cries filled the air and the emotions ran heavy, I thought of the all the memories I shared with my Lola. And to my shame, there wasn’t much.
I could make all sorts of excuses for myself and my family that we lived far from them, we were too busy, life was too complicated. But it all boiled down to one thing, I just didn’t spend enough time with her, didn’t make a real effort to see her.
And as I sat there and watched the world cry over their loss, I couldn’t cry. I didn’t know how to mourn for her. But I did feel sad for the people she had left behind, how they lost a parent, a grandparent, a friend, an ally. I sympathized, for I have known loss, and the grief that comes along with it. But for all my sympathies, I knew that it didn’t amount to much of anything. My empathy could not for the whole world compensate for what I wasn’t feeling.
But regrets are regrets, and as much as I want to turn back time and undo whatever I’ve done, or do the things I haven’t, everything is just wishful thinking. I do hope for forgiveness, for absolution. And I do send her my love wherever she may be.
Lola, Godspeed.
I have my share of regrets and for the last two weeks, there is one that has stayed with me and I carry with me even until now.
My grandma passed away. She was 89, a few months shy of 90. She died peacefully, in the arms of one of her daughters. My aunt barely felt the life leaving her. Even though, they had expected her passing for while now, her death was a shock and left everyone trying to hold on to anything they can grab.
She had lived a full life, seen so much and had been loved. Her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren who lived alongside her could only try to make sense of the loss and the void she was leaving behind. As her wake went on for days, the grief only intensified, culminating on the day of her funeral—the final moment, the final goodbye.
As the cries filled the air and the emotions ran heavy, I thought of the all the memories I shared with my Lola. And to my shame, there wasn’t much.
I could make all sorts of excuses for myself and my family that we lived far from them, we were too busy, life was too complicated. But it all boiled down to one thing, I just didn’t spend enough time with her, didn’t make a real effort to see her.
And as I sat there and watched the world cry over their loss, I couldn’t cry. I didn’t know how to mourn for her. But I did feel sad for the people she had left behind, how they lost a parent, a grandparent, a friend, an ally. I sympathized, for I have known loss, and the grief that comes along with it. But for all my sympathies, I knew that it didn’t amount to much of anything. My empathy could not for the whole world compensate for what I wasn’t feeling.
But regrets are regrets, and as much as I want to turn back time and undo whatever I’ve done, or do the things I haven’t, everything is just wishful thinking. I do hope for forgiveness, for absolution. And I do send her my love wherever she may be.
Lola, Godspeed.
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