In the light of what I had previously written and my confusion as to whether I should greet him or not, this song by Don Henley (and later on covered by India Arie) has been a staple with my cosmic dj. It just keeps popping up. And I'm thinking, is this a sign or just another random song?
I still haven't decided.
Heart of the Matter
I got the call today that I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you'd found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down
To the heart of the matter but my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
Ah, these times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
Ah, the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill I guess
Ohh, pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesn't keep me warm
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out, I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But everything changes and my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby, 'cause' life goes on
If you keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak and the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Grieve and Greet
My phone's alarm went off, as I reached to turn it off, I read the reminder that flashed across the screen: today is your birthday.
For weeks, I anticipated this event, wondering if I will get to greet you, if circumstance will allow me to say happy birthday to you. I honestly thought I would, especially since I heard you were back. I even thought that maybe that was the reason you came back, so close to your birthday. I'm remembering the last time we were together and as I told you that that would be the last time we would spend time together, you whispered, "there's still my birthday."
Yet I was told earlier, you had come yesterday and already gone. There was no phone call, no request to see me, nothing at all. Then it finally hit me: we really are over.
Not that I never really thought of us being in that state. After all, it's been seven months since we saw each other last and four months since we spoke. But somehow I thought you would always come back. It was only a matter of time, that you were only biding your time. Little did I realize that time had finally run out for us.
I'm recalling a line from Graham Greene's End of the Affair. Sara writes in her diary: "I might have taken a lifetime spending a little love at a time, eking it out here and there, on this man and that. But even the first time, we spent all we had."
Have we really spent everything that we had?
Can we ever go back, even halfway?
I write this entry because I'm unable to reach you, though I hope my words will find a way to you in some way or another. And if by some strange twist of fate that it does, know that I remembered you, on this day and always.
For weeks, I anticipated this event, wondering if I will get to greet you, if circumstance will allow me to say happy birthday to you. I honestly thought I would, especially since I heard you were back. I even thought that maybe that was the reason you came back, so close to your birthday. I'm remembering the last time we were together and as I told you that that would be the last time we would spend time together, you whispered, "there's still my birthday."
Yet I was told earlier, you had come yesterday and already gone. There was no phone call, no request to see me, nothing at all. Then it finally hit me: we really are over.
Not that I never really thought of us being in that state. After all, it's been seven months since we saw each other last and four months since we spoke. But somehow I thought you would always come back. It was only a matter of time, that you were only biding your time. Little did I realize that time had finally run out for us.
I'm recalling a line from Graham Greene's End of the Affair. Sara writes in her diary: "I might have taken a lifetime spending a little love at a time, eking it out here and there, on this man and that. But even the first time, we spent all we had."
Have we really spent everything that we had?
Can we ever go back, even halfway?
I write this entry because I'm unable to reach you, though I hope my words will find a way to you in some way or another. And if by some strange twist of fate that it does, know that I remembered you, on this day and always.
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