Die Laughing

I caught a rerun of SNL with the hilarious Tina Fey guesting on that episode. What can I say? Tina Fey rocks!

A final clip of the show was the perfect ending in more ways than one. On a more personal note, this brownie husband is really becoming quite an attractive option. It beats the hell out of other real men!

Song of the Moment II

In light of recent events, I bring you Crystal Castles and their cover of Not In Love, featuring the inimitable Robert Smith.

'Nuff said...

Not In Love
i saw your picture hangin' on the back of my door
won't give you my heart
no one lives there anymore
and we were lovers
now we can't be friends
fascination ends
here we go again
cause it's cold outside, when you coming home
cause it's hot inside, isn't that enough

i'm not in love

could it be that time has taken it's toll
won't take you so far, i am in control
and we were lovers
now we can't be friends
fascination ends
here we go again
cause it's cold outside, when you coming home
cause it's hot inside, isn't that enough

i'm not in love
i'm not in love
i'm not in love
we are not in love
we are not in love
we are not in love
we are not in love

Coolness...!!

As i was replying to an email, one of the Google ads placed on the page caught my attention—free Mayan astrology. I thought for a second or two whether I should click on it, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to resist it. And if don’t click on it, it will nag on me for a long time. So, I thought, “Why the hell not?”

This is what they had to say about me:

"Female authority is the keyword that best describes this day number of Mayan astrology. Basically the natives of this number are sensitive, emotional and artistic. This number is looked upon for its patience. The energy of this number can help you gain better opportunities at work and thus prove your talents and skills. Nine persons are masters in completing all kinds of incomplete tasks.

Seed is the fourth sign of Mayan astrology and signifies the South. Seed people are known as the performers. Fulfilling your sexual desires and being independent are the two things you crave for throughout your life. You set high standard goals for yourself and always make it a point to achieve it at any cost. Self-esteem is something which the Seed folks are very much concerned about. You are very much attached to your family and can go to any extreme in order to bring peace and happiness to your family. As individuals the Seed people are always successful in starting off new ventures, signing new contracts or entering into any new business deals. You love to work as social workers and public defenders and try to unite the whole community either through your hard work or by using the secret influences of somebody else. Courage and gratefulness are their characteristic traits which make these people simply outstanding.

Regarding a nurturing attitude, these people are similar to Red Dragon people to some extent. You always want to sow the seeds of enlightenment, humanitarian ideas and benevolence so that everyone can reap a reach harvest eventually. From the projects you undertake, others would derive sustenance and nourishment. You are endowed with great teaching abilities and you may even be a pioneer in this field by incorporating new and useful concepts. Coming in touch with you can be a spiritually enriching experience for your disciples. Yellow Seeds are teachers and nurturers. Tend your seeds well today and pay proper attention so that you can enjoy beautiful blooms tomorrow. You may find problem dealing with White Wizard. You are most compatible with Blue Eagle persons."

Were they right? I guess what makes this thing fun is that they always contain a kernel of truth. Haha

Now, I just have to find myself a Blue Eagle person...does that mean, I'm good with people from Ateneo? Hmmm...

An Education

“Paano ba maging teacher?” (How do you become a teacher?) Karla asked through a text message. Through my sleepy haze, I began to type in my reply. Midway through it, I stopped, as I tried to figure exactly what she asking me. I replied back: “Is this a practical, or a philosophical, or perhaps a metaphysical question?”

It was a simple how-to question, she says. But the question stuck, and it did make me think, how do you really become a teacher? Is it a simple matter of being hired as a teacher, and getting teaching load assignments; or getting in front of a class, and giving them their lesson for the day? Is there more to being a teacher?

How do you even begin to want to become one? Does anyone really consciously choose to be a teacher? Or is it one of those professions that you fall into?

In my case (yes, I am a teacher), I knew I wanted to teach early on. Both my parents were educators and though they gave us the freedom to choose whatever it is we wanted, perhaps without even realizing it, they had influenced all of their children to get into teaching. I took interior design as my degree but I also knew that I wanted to teach college. It took me quite a long time to get to it, but for the last three years, I have been teaching interior design at the Mapua Institute of Technology.

The first time I taught, I felt that I had been a disaster. I felt as if I just wasn’t getting through to anyone. I used to joke that my students were like Teflon—nothing sticks, but inside, I felt so inadequate.

Even as I was already considering throwing in the towel, I took it as a challenge. And though I still find teaching to be generally difficult, I find that there are these moments of light, when it seems that everything that you go through with these kids are just worth it.

More than a week ago, the first batch of interior design students that I handled held their graduating exhibit. As their class adviser, it was one of my proudest moments as a teacher, and though I may not be the only one who exerted sole influence on them, somehow I felt that maybe I had something to do with it.

Maybe this is how it feels to be a parent.

It made me feel my age. But somehow, I didn’t mind it one bit.

Being a teacher is not an easy thing, there’s just so much responsibility that comes with it. I’m recalling this ad campaign by Nat Geo with Gang Badoy (another teacher), and she raises the question, “who dreams about being a teacher?” I did. Maybe, this was what I was meant to do, or at least one of the things I was meant to do. As I ponder on this, I’m simply thankful for the chance given me.

Click on this link to see pictures of the MIT Interior Design Exhibit 2011.

Song of the Moment

In the light of what I had previously written and my confusion as to whether I should greet him or not, this song by Don Henley (and later on covered by India Arie) has been a staple with my cosmic dj. It just keeps popping up. And I'm thinking, is this a sign or just another random song?

I still haven't decided.

Heart of the Matter

I got the call today that I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you'd found someone

And I thought of all the bad luck
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you

What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again

I've been tryin' to get down
To the heart of the matter but my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

Ah, these times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?

Ah, the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill I guess
Ohh, pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out, I have to learn again

I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But everything changes and my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby, 'cause' life goes on
If you keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby

I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me

I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak and the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me

Grieve and Greet

My phone's alarm went off, as I reached to turn it off, I read the reminder that flashed across the screen: today is your birthday.

For weeks, I anticipated this event, wondering if I will get to greet you, if circumstance will allow me to say happy birthday to you. I honestly thought I would, especially since I heard you were back. I even thought that maybe that was the reason you came back, so close to your birthday. I'm remembering the last time we were together and as I told you that that would be the last time we would spend time together, you whispered, "there's still my birthday."

Yet I was told earlier, you had come yesterday and already gone. There was no phone call, no request to see me, nothing at all. Then it finally hit me: we really are over.

Not that I never really thought of us being in that state. After all, it's been seven months since we saw each other last and four months since we spoke. But somehow I thought you would always come back. It was only a matter of time, that you were only biding your time. Little did I realize that time had finally run out for us.

I'm recalling a line from Graham Greene's End of the Affair. Sara writes in her diary: "I might have taken a lifetime spending a little love at a time, eking it out here and there, on this man and that. But even the first time, we spent all we had."

Have we really spent everything that we had?

Can we ever go back, even halfway?

I write this entry because I'm unable to reach you, though I hope my words will find a way to you in some way or another. And if by some strange twist of fate that it does, know that I remembered you, on this day and always.

Stealing Blind

Someone stole something from me today. It was my mobile phone, my old one to be exact. I had gotten a new one for my birthday last year, but I had continued using the old one as a way of separating my business contacts from my personal contacts.

That phone has been with me for the last three years, the SIM I used on that phone had been with me far longer. Needless to say, that phone and I had history. It contained my history for the better part of the decade.

So it pisses me a great deal to lose it, and what’s worse was that it was stolen from under my nose. The man who stole it casually walked into our store, under pretense that he was in need of help. He was representing a sports league that needed uniforms. I had politely declined, knowing better that sometimes these types of solicitations were completely bogus. Yet he insisted, and I thought simply, that he was just one of those pesky people who couldn’t take no for an answer. And between his incessant begging and polite declinations, I don’t when and how he managed to get his hands on my phone that was laying on the counter, a bit obscured by my pile of stuff. He did everything on a sly. How could I have been so stupid?

I had only realized that my phone was gone, when my sister was calling me on my other line, and told me that she had called my other phone and some guy kept picking up.
I rang my phone to check whether I had just misplaced it, or if it was lost in the jungle that is my handbag. But someone did pick up. It was him. And he pretended that he couldn’t hear me, though clearly taunting me.

I didn’t hang up, instead I told him he could keep the phone, he just needs to give me back my SIM card. I know it was futile to ask a thief to return something of value, but I just had to ask. That phone probably contained more information than that person’s brain could have stored in his entire lifetime.

Then it started. He kept telling me how he thought I was attractive, that he couldn’t keep his eyes off me, that he had to take my phone because he knew I would call my number and that he’d be able to talk to me again. He was bargaining- me for the phone.
And I swear if I could just reach through the line, I would have slit that guy’s throat. I am not a violent person. Nor do I endorse it. And I have no plans of committing murder over a phone. But the things that he said…

I know that what he said was meant to intimidate me. He was threatening to do me violence. Though I admit I was scared, I was so angry. But I was all the more angry that I felt so impotent in my anger.

How could people lose their sense of empathy and humanity? How could anyone simply take something just because they want something, and just because they can? How could you a person feel so comfortable at wanting to hurt other people and feel so blatantly proud about it?

How could they live with themselves? How could they face themselves in the mirror? Do they even own mirrors at all?

I am pretty certain that I will never see my old trusty phone again. Though the whole incident has left me so upset, I will try to rest on the idea that that man will someday his comeuppance. And I fervently hope that it hits him soon. Fast. Hard.

A Send-Off

I met William through Karla. They were very good friends. Theirs was a friendship borne out of unfortunate circumstances. Short of saying, their friendship was forged in fire. I, on the other hand, was a friend by way of association. But nevertheless, he quickly endeared himself to me.

How could he not? He was smart, funny, good looking, and just about the sweetest thing. And he was the sweetest thing. He was as Karla describes him, “the perfect guy”. I couldn’t agree more. During the few times we went out with him, I would jokingly refer to him as my boyfriend. He never seemed to mind. In fact he would gamely go along with it, even though we both knew I could never be his type. I could only sigh and wish that William were straight.

So our loss was another team’s gain. There was nothing that could be done about that.
But yesterday, both teams experienced a loss. Being Black Saturday, it was made more black by William’s unexpected passing. It was meningitis, and it struck him down as quickly as it had come to him. No one saw it coming. And all of us who knew him, couldn’t understand what could be gained from it.

I couldn’t claim to be a close friend, out of respect for those who knew him really well. But he has touched my life, as he had countless others, and I could all honestly say that my life had been enriched because of that, no matter how brief it had been.
The whole Christian world celebrated Easter today. I woke up praying for some kind of Easter miracle—that somehow I would receive a text message saying William had miraculously survived, and he is well. Obviously, it was not to be.

This is the irony—No resurrection at a day we rejoice at its alleged possibility.

They say everything happens for a reason though we may not understand it at the time. No matter how much it hurts or doesn’t make any sense, all we can do is to trust that whatever has happened, it will serve a bigger purpose.

This is not a eulogy. I choose to believe that William is not dead. He is alive and forever young in our minds and hearts.

So goodnight and so long, William, sweet prince. You will be missed.